Strengths

So, at my school, there is this thing called StrengthsQuest. I works, basically, kinda like a legit personality test. But, instead of knowing what color you are, what Harry Potter character you are, or what weapon you would most-likely use, it gives you 5 top strengths. Here are mine:

Belief: If you possess a strong Belief theme, you have certain core values that are enduring. These values vary from one person to another, but ordinarily your Belief theme causes you to be family-oriented, altruistic, even spiritual, and to value responsibility and high ethics—both in yourself and others. These core values affect your behavior in many ways. They give your life meaning and satisfaction; in your view, success is more than money and prestige. They provide you with direction, guiding you through the temptations and distractions of life toward a consistent set of priorities. This consistency is the foundation for all your relationships. Your friends call you dependable. “I know where you stand,” they say. Your Belief makes you easy to trust. It also demands that you find work that meshes with your values. Your work must be meaningful; it must matter to you. And guided by your Belief theme it will matter only if it gives you a chance to live out your values.

• This makes sense. I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, for those of you who don't know. I know God exists and that he loves me. I also know that the commandments he gives are not heartless restrictions, but protective guidelines given by a loving parent to help me return to live with Him.

Connectedness: Things happen for a reason. You are sure of it. You are sure of it because in your soul you know that we are all connected. Yes, we are individuals, responsible for our own judgments and in possession of our own free will, but nonetheless we are part of something larger. Some may call it the collective unconscious. Others may label it spirit or life force. But whatever your word of choice, you gain confidence from knowing that we are not isolated from one another or from the earth and the life on it. This feeling of Connectedness implies certain responsibilities. If we are all part of a larger picture, then we must not harm others because we will be harming ourselves. We must not exploit because we will be exploiting ourselves. Your awareness of these responsibilities creates your value system. You are considerate, caring, and accepting. Certain of the unity of humankind, you are a bridge builder for people of different cultures. Sensitive to the invisible hand, you can give others comfort that there is a purpose beyond our humdrum lives. The exact articles of your faith will depend on your upbringing and your culture, but your faith is strong. It sustains you and your close friends in the face of life’s mysteries.

• I think this ties in to the Belief theme. Because of my faith, I know that we are all Children of God, and are, therefore, all connected siblings. Everyone affects the people around them, for good or bad. Relationships with the people around us are crucial, especially those in our families.

Futuristic: “Wouldn’t it be great if . . .” You are the kind of person who loves to peer over the horizon. The future fascinates you. As if it were projected on the wall, you see in detail what the future might hold, and this detailed picture keeps pulling you forward, into tomorrow. While the exact content of the picture will depend on your other strengths and interests—a better product, a better team, a better life, or a better world—it will always be inspirational to you. You are a dreamer who sees visions of what could be and who cherishes those visions. When the present proves too frustrating and the people around you too pragmatic, you conjure up your visions of the future and they energize you. They can energize others, too. In fact, very often people look to you to describe your visions of the future. They want a picture that can raise their sights and thereby their spirits. You can paint it for them. Practice. Choose your words carefully. Make the picture as vivid as possible. People will want to latch on to the hope you bring.

• I have a vivid imagination, first of all, and I think in pictures. But, I also love playing the "what if" game with myself. Every moment comes with a choice to be made, wither conscious or subconscious. It is quite entertaining to picture what the future holds. I have to admit, these are some of my favorite pictures of my future self:
• playing with legos or blocks on a quilt on the floor with my future kids. For some reason, I've always pictured a little blonde girl, and two boys. 
• receiving flowers from my future husband in front of my future choir in a high school. Although I probably would, I never picture myself blushing...
• conducting my future high school choir in various types of concerts
• walking into a kitchen being all barefoot and preggers.
• saving people, usually with super powers.
• Its interesting because these pictures have been very consistent throughout the years, and I think it is because these are like little secret dreams of mine. I want to direct choirs, and I really want a family. (I'd love to have super powers, too, but let's be honest here, who doesn't?)

Strategic: The Strategic theme enables you to sort through the clutter and find the best route. It is not a skill that can be taught. It is a distinct way of thinking, a special perspective on the world at large. This perspective allows you to see patterns where others simply see complexity. Mindful of these patterns, you play out alternative scenarios, always asking, “What if this happened? Okay, well what if this happened?” This recurring question helps you see around the next corner. There you can evaluate accurately the potential obstacles. Guided by where you see each path leading, you start to make selections. You discard the paths that lead nowhere. You discard the paths that lead straight into resistance. You discard the paths that lead into a fog of confusion. You cull and make selections until you arrive at the chosen path—your strategy. Armed with your strategy, you strike forward. This is your Strategic theme at work: “What if?” Select. Strike.

• First of all, this is totally related to Futuristic. Its basically a short-term version that is more decisive rather than dreamy or hopeful. At times, though, I over-think the situation and end up being scared to make any sort of logical moves. Much like this comic, but on a lesser level: http://xkcd.com/439/
• Secondly, this has actually helped me in keeping the commandments. There have been times when I have been tempted, but I was able to sort of picture what consequences would ensue and then choose the better path. 

Learner: You love to learn. The subject matter that interests you most will be determined by your other themes and experiences, but whatever the subject, you will always be drawn to the process of learning. The process, more than the content or the result, is especially exciting for you. You are energized by the steady and deliberate journey from ignorance to competence. The thrill of the first few facts, the early efforts to recite or practice what you have learned, the growing confidence of a skill mastered—this is the process that entices you. Your excitement leads you to engage in adult learning experiences—yoga or piano lessons or graduate classes. It enables you to thrive in dynamic work environments where you are asked to take on short project assignments and are expected to learn a lot about the new subject matter in a short period of time and then move on to the next one. This Learner theme does not necessarily mean that you seek to become the subject matter expert, or that you are striving for the respect that accompanies a professional or academic credential. The outcome of the learning is less significant than the “getting there.”

• I love knowing stuff. Almost to a fault, actually. If I were to have cable ever, it would be for the discovery and history channels. I love discovering things (hence this blog), and I love being able to apply and manipulate my knowledge, especially when it comes to music theory and composition. I love learning and knowing about how things work, what makes them tick, that sort of thing. It is very interesting to me!
• That being said, I sometimes don't want to take the time to really master it, I would like to just learn it. That is, until I started taking my conducting class. I LOVE conducting!! I'm not as good as some, but it is something I greatly enjoy, and I feel I can express myself in a way like never before (which is interesting because I never thought of conducting as a separate expressive art form). I look forward to practicing and I am actually determined to master this.

So, I just thought I'd share this today. :)

TTFN,

S

Waiting: Written sometime in 2007

Daylight lingers less

The warmth of day fading fast

The air hardens and bites

Plants shed excess and crumple

The long days of summer have passed

The longer cold nights replace

As if the world,

Mourning with my heart in mind,

Recedes from itself in your absence

Longing for daylight, as I long for you

Wishing for the warmth of the sun

        As I wish for the warmth of your laughing smile

Neither prayer is answered now

But in time, the long, lonely, cold nights

        Will give way to the dawn of life and laughter and warmth

And you, my love, will return

Home: Written sometime in 2006

A home is not four walls
With a roof above your head
Nor is it where you go at night
Wherever you are fed

But, it’s something else entirely

That can rarely be explained

It’s more like a feeling

Not where you are contained

Your home is in your being

Buried somewhere in your soul

Your home can be no one else’s

It’s a part that makes you whole

If you take your wildest dreams

And mix with fantasies

A drop of Sky, a dab of Land

And a sprinkle of the Sea

And dance to what your mind has made

And watch your spirit soar

Sing until your heart breaks

Then end with a deafening roar

You will journey to your peace of Home

Your soul, heart, dreams combined

For Home is not a building

But rather a state of mind

Boyfriend

I have to be completely honest here, since this is all about discoveries.

I hate the word "boyfriend". I think it is stupid. And all of this has to do with the connotation of the word, and the feeling I get when I hear or say it.

Essentially, the definition of "boyfriend" is: "a frequent or favorite male companion; beau. a male friend. a male lover." This is according to Dictionary.com, which I thoroughly enjoy! (Think of it. a dictionary right at your fingertips!!)

However, whenever I actually hear this word used, it takes me back to my teen-age years in middle and high school, where the word is generally used in this context:

"Yeah...he's my boyfriend"
"Yeah...my boyfriend and me made out" <---I know it ought to be "I" grammatically, but no one says that in the 9th grade.
"OMG! I just stole your boyfriend!"
"My boyfriend is going to come over later"

I dunno, the word, to me, sems very shallow and completely lacking of any real feeling. To me, I get the same feeling as if the girls were to say "boy-toy" instead, almost as if thier relationship was completely shallow and emotionally worthless. I know that I feel like a 12-year-old every time I say "boyfriend."

However, what else am I to call this person? "Friend" is certainly sub-standard, as is "good friend." "Best friend" does not include the same romantic implications. "Partner" makes it sound like I'm gay and "he" is really a "she". "Lover" implies an extramarital relationship with lots of physical activity. Although we are courting, "courtier" is too Renaissance, and probably also too French. "Romantic interest" implies that the feeling are not returned, and that is not the case here. "Super-Awesome-Date-Buddy" implies one of those best-buds-that-also-kiss-a-lot sort of things. "Manfriend" sounds like Mowgli from the Jungle Book.

Some of you reading this may be a little skeptical of this connotational analysis, but I will show you! Here are some normal sentences where "boyfriend" has been replaced by one of the above titles:

"My friend and I are gonna hang out later."

"Yeah, he's my good friend."

"My best friend is so sweet, he brought be flowers for no reason!"
"My Partner is gonna take me to the dance."

"Hey, can I bring my lover as my date to your wedding?"

"My parents are gonna meet my courtier this weekend."

"I love that my romantic interest is willing to help out with the dishes!"

"OMGN! My Super-Awesome-Date-Buddy just proposed!"

"My manfriend and I visited his parents this weekend."

Do you see now that none of these really work? None of these titles, in my opinion, completely and accurately express the depth of feeling I have towards my boyfriend, and this fact is extremely vexing to me! Because, you have the emotions I wish to proclaim, but also our relationship status. We are not married or engaged, but we are in a rather serious dating/courting relationship. We rely on each other for support and in turn bolster each other up. We can talk about anything: from dinosaurs, to the Gospel, to zombie survival tactics, to future plans and dreams we may have. I love him, and I know he loves me. This runs so much deeper than a teenage dating-for-butterflies; this is a real relationship that both of us have so effortlessly invested so much energy into. We both love making the other happy. The title, then, I feel must reflect this: both what we are to society, and what we mean to each other.

So, if any of you ever think of a good title that expresses what I feel as well as our current relationship, please, by all means, let me know!

TTFN,

S

Lovely

Last night, I opened myself up in a way that I never have before. I trusted someone with information that was completely personal. I discovered exactly how nervous I can get about things that I know are going to turn out just fine.

One of the things I shared was about things I have done in the past, but in a little more detail than what I posted on my "Secret Skeletons" post. It was amazing to be completely reassured by someone, to be able to trust him, to actually verbalize things to another person. This was defintely a new step for me.

The other thing I shared with this same person was that I love him. And this one was frustrating because I was more nervous to say, "I love you," in person than I was to divulge anything else. I was scared out of my mind. I was shaking. What would he say? Did he feel the same? I had a suspicion that he did, but how was I to know? So, eventually, I kinda blurted it out in a way that didn't sound in any way sincere, even though I meant it with all of my heart.

It wasn't until he was reassuring me about my skeletons, when he said he loved me, that I was able to even pronounce the little three words coherently...

Knowing he loves me changes things. Things feel more real, more stable. Its no longer this "I like you, you like me, we're giddy, so let's date!" sort of thing. Not that that isn't fun, but now there is substance there, and we trust each other, which is a big deal for me. This no longer feels like the dream that may somehow be over in a few hours; this feels real.

I didn't know until recently how difficult it is for me to trust people with my thoughts (which, I have mentioned before). I know now that I can tell him anything. Not that I doubted, per se, but I just didn't know. Faith is acting on a belief or hope, and in telling him, in trusting him, I was acting in faith on the hope he would still accept me for who I am, on the hope that he would still love me.

And he does!! :) I feel so blessed to know that I'm the one that makes him happy. Because he makes me happy, too. I feel accepted, and beautiful in a t-shirt, and that I am worthy of blessings, and that my cooking skills can, in fact, improve! He is one of the most generous people I know, and is very caring. I am comfortable around him. I feel very much at home with him, and I hate it when we have to part.

There are many other things I love about him, but I've discovered that there is a significant difference between loving things about that person and actually loving the person. Granted, these most certainly go hand-in-hand, but they feel different. It is in the same way that you can know things about a person, and then you can actually know them.

I couldn't tell you if I tried what a lot of his favorite things are. But, I can tell him what my favorite things are and know he will never think less of me for them. In my opinion, knowing someone leads to trusting them. Knowing about someone only allows you to fill out those little email-quizzes (does anyone remember those?). If you want to know about someone, you needn't look any farther than the words they say. However, if you want to know someone, you need to see how they respond to situations or questions, what they do in the lull of a conversation, how they act. In order to love someone, you have to love who they are when you are alone, as well as who they are when you are around other people, and in order to do that, you must know them, which is much more involved than knowing about them.

(This connects back to my "Pondering Connections/Relationships" post, but I will draw the lines later.)

This goes for more than just our friends, though. If we want to grow closer to our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, we must get to know them. This is much more involved than reading the ten commandments or the parables Jesus taught. Who was He talking to? What tone was He using? In knowing someone, context is just as important, than the content.

So, we can only love the things we know. If we know people, we can love them; If we know only things about people, then we can only love things about that person. But, eventually, we open up. We allow ourselves to be known. We open up and loosen the layers that cover the corners of our personalities. We move past the things we know and discover the people we thought we knew. We get to discover how wonderful they truly are as Children of God. It no longer matters if they hate mushrooms, like different music, or even if they love the same shows you do. All that matters is that you know them. There is no possible way to measure if you know someone, because you just have to feel it. And because you know them, you can begin to love them. And loving someone is amazing in every sense of the word.

Now, one of my teachers would tell me to turn that around and apply it to me. So, here goes:

So, I can only love the things I know. If I know people, I can love them; If I know only things about people, then I can only love things about that person. But, eventually, I opened up. I allowed myself to be known. I opened up and loosened the layers that covered the corners of my personality. I moved past the things I knew and discovered the person I thought I knew. I now get to discover how wonderful he truly is as Child of God. It no longer matters if he hates mushrooms, likes different music, or even if he loves the same shows I do. All that matters is that I know him. There is no possible way to measure if I know someone, because I just have to feel it. And because I know him, I have begun to love him. And loving someone is amazing in every sense of the word. <3

These are my most recent discoveries.

TTFN,

S