Last night, I opened myself up in a way that I never have before. I trusted someone with information that was completely personal. I discovered exactly how nervous I can get about things that I know are going to turn out just fine.
One of the things I shared was about things I have done in the past, but in a little more detail than what I posted on my "Secret Skeletons" post. It was amazing to be completely reassured by someone, to be able to trust him, to actually verbalize things to another person. This was defintely a new step for me.
The other thing I shared with this same person was that I love him. And this one was frustrating because I was more nervous to say, "I love you," in person than I was to divulge anything else. I was scared out of my mind. I was shaking. What would he say? Did he feel the same? I had a suspicion that he did, but how was I to know? So, eventually, I kinda blurted it out in a way that didn't sound in any way sincere, even though I meant it with all of my heart.
It wasn't until he was reassuring me about my skeletons, when he said he loved me, that I was able to even pronounce the little three words coherently...
Knowing he loves me changes things. Things feel more real, more stable. Its no longer this "I like you, you like me, we're giddy, so let's date!" sort of thing. Not that that isn't fun, but now there is substance there, and we trust each other, which is a big deal for me. This no longer feels like the dream that may somehow be over in a few hours; this feels real.
I didn't know until recently how difficult it is for me to trust people with my thoughts (which, I have mentioned before). I know now that I can tell him anything. Not that I doubted, per se, but I just didn't know. Faith is acting on a belief or hope, and in telling him, in trusting him, I was acting in faith on the hope he would still accept me for who I am, on the hope that he would still love me.
And he does!! :) I feel so blessed to know that I'm the one that makes him happy. Because he makes me happy, too. I feel accepted, and beautiful in a t-shirt, and that I am worthy of blessings, and that my cooking skills can, in fact, improve! He is one of the most generous people I know, and is very caring. I am comfortable around him. I feel very much at home with him, and I hate it when we have to part.
There are many other things I love about him, but I've discovered that there is a significant difference between loving things about that person and actually loving the person. Granted, these most certainly go hand-in-hand, but they feel different. It is in the same way that you can know things about a person, and then you can actually know them.
I couldn't tell you if I tried what a lot of his favorite things are. But, I can tell him what my favorite things are and know he will never think less of me for them. In my opinion, knowing someone leads to trusting them. Knowing about someone only allows you to fill out those little email-quizzes (does anyone remember those?). If you want to know about someone, you needn't look any farther than the words they say. However, if you want to know someone, you need to see how they respond to situations or questions, what they do in the lull of a conversation, how they act. In order to love someone, you have to love who they are when you are alone, as well as who they are when you are around other people, and in order to do that, you must know them, which is much more involved than knowing about them.
(This connects back to my "Pondering Connections/Relationships" post, but I will draw the lines later.)
This goes for more than just our friends, though. If we want to grow closer to our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, we must get to know them. This is much more involved than reading the ten commandments or the parables Jesus taught. Who was He talking to? What tone was He using? In knowing someone, context is just as important, than the content.
So, we can only love the things we know. If we know people, we can love them; If we know only things about people, then we can only love things about that person. But, eventually, we open up. We allow ourselves to be known. We open up and loosen the layers that cover the corners of our personalities. We move past the things we know and discover the people we thought we knew. We get to discover how wonderful they truly are as Children of God. It no longer matters if they hate mushrooms, like different music, or even if they love the same shows you do. All that matters is that you know them. There is no possible way to measure if you know someone, because you just have to feel it. And because you know them, you can begin to love them. And loving someone is amazing in every sense of the word.
Now, one of my teachers would tell me to turn that around and apply it to me. So, here goes:
So, I can only love the things I know. If I know people, I can love them; If I know only things about people, then I can only love things about that person. But, eventually, I opened up. I allowed myself to be known. I opened up and loosened the layers that covered the corners of my personality. I moved past the things I knew and discovered the person I thought I knew. I now get to discover how wonderful he truly is as Child of God. It no longer matters if he hates mushrooms, likes different music, or even if he loves the same shows I do. All that matters is that I know him. There is no possible way to measure if I know someone, because I just have to feel it. And because I know him, I have begun to love him. And loving someone is amazing in every sense of the word. <3
TTFN,
S
<3 :)
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