Christmas Blessings

In this season, there are particularly more flurries than ever: flurries of snow that light up the eyes of the wistful, flurries of people gathering together, flurries of flames lighting the hearth, flurries of packages flying off new gadgets and toys. 

Amidst the flurries, hustles, bustles, packages, and gifts, I have, with more ease this year than ever, been able to look beyond that and see the many wonderful blessings in my life. I have a wonderful family who love me. I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me, and I love him so very, very dearly. I have more friends than I ever thought I would only a few years ago. I have a home I can come to during breaks. Our home has central heating. I have a bed, and clothes, and food, and clean water. I am going to a good school and am in the process of fulfilling my dream of being a high school choir director.

Among all these blessings though, the ones this Christmas season I'm most grateful for are my family and my boyfriend. They're all so wonderful. They support me in what I do at school, they comfort me when I"m having a rough day, they spend time with me and make me laugh. And, I have learned so much from all of them: mostly to be more appreciative of the people and blessings that surround me every day.

♪

One of the things I'm the most grateful for this year has been my testimony of my Savior and the Gospel:

First of all, I know that my Father in Heaven loves me. When I read my scriptures and think of the wonderful world we live in, the Spirit testifies of this to me. I can especially feel His divine and perfect love for me when I pray. I know He is the Father of my spirit and that he has always loved me, and that I don’t ever have to earn that. I know He is pleased when I follow his commandments and I can feel His peace in my life when I do. I know that no matter what I do, my Father in Heaven will always love me. He is encouraging, perfect, and he knows me more than anyone. He knows what I need to learn, and knows what I need to be comforted about, as well as when I need it.

I know that Jesus Christ is my Savior. I know He was born of a virgin in a manger of Bethlehem, and that angels did in reality appear to the Shepherds. I know that he walked among the people of Palestine and Ancient America. I know he suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane to atone for me. I know he died on the Cross and was resurrected three days later to complete this miraculous atonement. It is only through this atonement that I have the blessings I do: friends, the Gift of the Holy Ghost, the opportunity to repent, and the opportunity to pray to my Father in Heaven. He overcame both Spiritual Death (separation from Heavenly Father) and physical death (separation of our bodies and spirits). Through His perfect example, I can learn to become like Him. And through his atonement, I can be refined. When I repent, I will be forgiven. Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father will never leave me to be alone. They will never forsake me and they will always love me. Everything they do is for me, for my happiness, for my salvation, and so that I can return to live with them again after I die. Everything they do is because they love me.

Because Heavenly Father loves his Children, he called a prophet, Joseph Smith, to restore the Gospel to the same way it worked as set up by his Son in the New Testament. I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ did in reality appear to Joseph Smith that that through an angel sent by them, he received an ancient record that contains the sacred and inspired writings of God’s prophets in the Ancient Americas. They, too, testify of Jesus Christ as the Savior and Redeemer of the world, as the Only Begotten Son of the Father, and as the only way to return to live with him. I feel peace and love when I read the Book of Mormon. I know what it teaches is true, and I know that I have come closer to my Heavenly Father and my Savior by reading it. It stands as a companion with the Bible in this testimony.

I know my Savior Lives. I know that He is the true head of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and that his prophet, Thomas S. Monson, is an inspired and Godly man. I know he has also seen the Savior and testifies of him. I know the revelation he receives is in reality from God and is pertinent to the lives of ALL of his Children, of ALL of the world.

To whoever is reading this, I know Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love you. I know they will never forsake or forget you. I know that through prayer and studying the Book of Mormon, I have come to know them, and you can, too. I know that in keeping the commandments they give, I have come to feel a peace in my life that only the Gospel can bring. I know that life brings with it tumultuous times, but I also know that I can turn to my Savior and my Father in Heaven at anytime for help and comfort. I know these things with a surety to be true. I know it’s true. And knowing this has made all the difference in my life.

With sincerity and love,

S 

Knowing is better

I've had three discoveries within the past two weeks:

"Knowing is better than hoping."

1. Don't get me wrong, hope is extremely important! It's looking towards the future through positive glasses. Its dreaming but with a view of reality. Its looking at the possibilities and picking your favorite. But, at the same time there is just enough view of reality lodged in the back of your mind that you don't want to allow yourself to get carried away. Because if you get carried away and then what you hoped for isn't the right thing, you get hurt. So, there is a little snipit of doubt still lingering in the back of your brain, and its enough to keep you from acting on it.

That's really the biggest difference between hope and faith. Faith requires action. Its stepping into the dark based on the hope that your hope will be realized. If that makes sense.

For the past few weeks, I've been hoping something very specific. I knew that this was a righteous thing to hope for, and an eventual goal of mine, but I also knew that timing was crucial, and that was where the little thoughts in the back of my brain were having a bit of a frenzy. In trying to get past this little fear, I would say, "when such-and-such happens" rather than "if such-and-such happens." (Which was definitely an act of faith.)  But all the same, these little thoughts kept creeping in: "what if its not right?" "I'm really not ready for that." "There's no way I'll be ready for that." "I"m not good enough." "I'll probably never..." and eventually I had a break down a couple of times.

Because, there eventually comes a time where hoping isn't enough. "There comes a time when you need to know."

2. Over a month ago, I was texting with a good friend of mine, who is investigating the Church, and he was pretty sure it was true. He'd been looking into things, pondering, praying, and living the gospel for about a year. For a year, he had hoped it was true. But, eventually, there came a time when he needed to know. In fact, he was the one, in recounting his conversion story, who said the above quote to me. It wasn't that he had never prayed before, or prayed to know whether or not the church was true. But that evening, it came down to the wire, and he needed to know for himself if it was true. So, he found a quiet place to pray and ended up receiving a very powerful witness from the holy ghost that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is indeed, true.

It takes a lot of faith to pray, especially if the answer will affect the rest of your life. And not just the earthly one. In the past few weeks, I've been studying a lot: the scriptures, my Patriarchal Blessing, the father's blessing I received before the semester started, the people around me, their stories, the actions of my boyfriend/partner/super-awesome-date-buddy/man-friend, my feelings, and then I began to ponder everything.

And then I began to pray. The answer didn't come all at once, but it was more like in little bits and pieces: receiving revelation during Institute that connected to my Patriarchal Blessing, feeling the Spirit while sending specific text messages, feeling the Spirit more and more often within the past weekend at the Nativity display, walking around the Temple, and just sitting and talking.

However, it was the last one, feeling the Spirit while just sitting and talking, that gave me the answer I had been seeking. :) I had acted in faith, and now the righteous hope I had was definitely going to come to pass! In the midst of all this, I had wondered if the impressions I had felt were just from my brain, of if they were really from the Holy Ghost. Well, turns out they were definitely impressions from the Spirit, and I cannot express to you how happy and relieved and joyful I felt!

Happiness can sometimes be fleeting, but joy is a much deeper feeling that lasts much longer, and I now know exactly what that feels like."Joy is excited peace."


3. I felt a calm peaceful feeling as the Spirit witnessed to me that what I had been feeling in the past week was true and that my hope is a righteous one and that it will happen. But, at the same time, I was excited! I could look forward to the future with a surety that I've never felt before. I've felt the "everything will work out" version of peaceful, but this time it was the "this is how everything will work out and why other thing haven't. Aren't you happier?" feeling and I am more excited than ever! And I am happier! And I know what joy means now!

There was a member of the chorus in my play of life who didn't really stick out too long ago. Recently, he began nudging his way closer to the spotlight and finally became a main character. Over the summer and between scenes, he left the stage and I thought he would never be back. I started pointing the spotlight on other chorus members, and some were really good. But eventually I saw that the place had been already taken, and there was no way another chorus member would be able to fill in, even if they knew the lines. Again, he began scooting across the stage, but in the background. He surprised me by taking center stage once more! That was a month ago. Now, he's my main man, and he's not going anywhere! :) The cast shrunk, and many of the chorus members are gone. Eventually, a new act in the play will start, and it will be just the two of us, and I am looking forward to it!

I am excited, joyful, and happy! :)

TTFN,
S

Strengths

So, at my school, there is this thing called StrengthsQuest. I works, basically, kinda like a legit personality test. But, instead of knowing what color you are, what Harry Potter character you are, or what weapon you would most-likely use, it gives you 5 top strengths. Here are mine:

Belief: If you possess a strong Belief theme, you have certain core values that are enduring. These values vary from one person to another, but ordinarily your Belief theme causes you to be family-oriented, altruistic, even spiritual, and to value responsibility and high ethics—both in yourself and others. These core values affect your behavior in many ways. They give your life meaning and satisfaction; in your view, success is more than money and prestige. They provide you with direction, guiding you through the temptations and distractions of life toward a consistent set of priorities. This consistency is the foundation for all your relationships. Your friends call you dependable. “I know where you stand,” they say. Your Belief makes you easy to trust. It also demands that you find work that meshes with your values. Your work must be meaningful; it must matter to you. And guided by your Belief theme it will matter only if it gives you a chance to live out your values.

• This makes sense. I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, for those of you who don't know. I know God exists and that he loves me. I also know that the commandments he gives are not heartless restrictions, but protective guidelines given by a loving parent to help me return to live with Him.

Connectedness: Things happen for a reason. You are sure of it. You are sure of it because in your soul you know that we are all connected. Yes, we are individuals, responsible for our own judgments and in possession of our own free will, but nonetheless we are part of something larger. Some may call it the collective unconscious. Others may label it spirit or life force. But whatever your word of choice, you gain confidence from knowing that we are not isolated from one another or from the earth and the life on it. This feeling of Connectedness implies certain responsibilities. If we are all part of a larger picture, then we must not harm others because we will be harming ourselves. We must not exploit because we will be exploiting ourselves. Your awareness of these responsibilities creates your value system. You are considerate, caring, and accepting. Certain of the unity of humankind, you are a bridge builder for people of different cultures. Sensitive to the invisible hand, you can give others comfort that there is a purpose beyond our humdrum lives. The exact articles of your faith will depend on your upbringing and your culture, but your faith is strong. It sustains you and your close friends in the face of life’s mysteries.

• I think this ties in to the Belief theme. Because of my faith, I know that we are all Children of God, and are, therefore, all connected siblings. Everyone affects the people around them, for good or bad. Relationships with the people around us are crucial, especially those in our families.

Futuristic: “Wouldn’t it be great if . . .” You are the kind of person who loves to peer over the horizon. The future fascinates you. As if it were projected on the wall, you see in detail what the future might hold, and this detailed picture keeps pulling you forward, into tomorrow. While the exact content of the picture will depend on your other strengths and interests—a better product, a better team, a better life, or a better world—it will always be inspirational to you. You are a dreamer who sees visions of what could be and who cherishes those visions. When the present proves too frustrating and the people around you too pragmatic, you conjure up your visions of the future and they energize you. They can energize others, too. In fact, very often people look to you to describe your visions of the future. They want a picture that can raise their sights and thereby their spirits. You can paint it for them. Practice. Choose your words carefully. Make the picture as vivid as possible. People will want to latch on to the hope you bring.

• I have a vivid imagination, first of all, and I think in pictures. But, I also love playing the "what if" game with myself. Every moment comes with a choice to be made, wither conscious or subconscious. It is quite entertaining to picture what the future holds. I have to admit, these are some of my favorite pictures of my future self:
• playing with legos or blocks on a quilt on the floor with my future kids. For some reason, I've always pictured a little blonde girl, and two boys. 
• receiving flowers from my future husband in front of my future choir in a high school. Although I probably would, I never picture myself blushing...
• conducting my future high school choir in various types of concerts
• walking into a kitchen being all barefoot and preggers.
• saving people, usually with super powers.
• Its interesting because these pictures have been very consistent throughout the years, and I think it is because these are like little secret dreams of mine. I want to direct choirs, and I really want a family. (I'd love to have super powers, too, but let's be honest here, who doesn't?)

Strategic: The Strategic theme enables you to sort through the clutter and find the best route. It is not a skill that can be taught. It is a distinct way of thinking, a special perspective on the world at large. This perspective allows you to see patterns where others simply see complexity. Mindful of these patterns, you play out alternative scenarios, always asking, “What if this happened? Okay, well what if this happened?” This recurring question helps you see around the next corner. There you can evaluate accurately the potential obstacles. Guided by where you see each path leading, you start to make selections. You discard the paths that lead nowhere. You discard the paths that lead straight into resistance. You discard the paths that lead into a fog of confusion. You cull and make selections until you arrive at the chosen path—your strategy. Armed with your strategy, you strike forward. This is your Strategic theme at work: “What if?” Select. Strike.

• First of all, this is totally related to Futuristic. Its basically a short-term version that is more decisive rather than dreamy or hopeful. At times, though, I over-think the situation and end up being scared to make any sort of logical moves. Much like this comic, but on a lesser level: http://xkcd.com/439/
• Secondly, this has actually helped me in keeping the commandments. There have been times when I have been tempted, but I was able to sort of picture what consequences would ensue and then choose the better path. 

Learner: You love to learn. The subject matter that interests you most will be determined by your other themes and experiences, but whatever the subject, you will always be drawn to the process of learning. The process, more than the content or the result, is especially exciting for you. You are energized by the steady and deliberate journey from ignorance to competence. The thrill of the first few facts, the early efforts to recite or practice what you have learned, the growing confidence of a skill mastered—this is the process that entices you. Your excitement leads you to engage in adult learning experiences—yoga or piano lessons or graduate classes. It enables you to thrive in dynamic work environments where you are asked to take on short project assignments and are expected to learn a lot about the new subject matter in a short period of time and then move on to the next one. This Learner theme does not necessarily mean that you seek to become the subject matter expert, or that you are striving for the respect that accompanies a professional or academic credential. The outcome of the learning is less significant than the “getting there.”

• I love knowing stuff. Almost to a fault, actually. If I were to have cable ever, it would be for the discovery and history channels. I love discovering things (hence this blog), and I love being able to apply and manipulate my knowledge, especially when it comes to music theory and composition. I love learning and knowing about how things work, what makes them tick, that sort of thing. It is very interesting to me!
• That being said, I sometimes don't want to take the time to really master it, I would like to just learn it. That is, until I started taking my conducting class. I LOVE conducting!! I'm not as good as some, but it is something I greatly enjoy, and I feel I can express myself in a way like never before (which is interesting because I never thought of conducting as a separate expressive art form). I look forward to practicing and I am actually determined to master this.

So, I just thought I'd share this today. :)

TTFN,

S

Waiting: Written sometime in 2007

Daylight lingers less

The warmth of day fading fast

The air hardens and bites

Plants shed excess and crumple

The long days of summer have passed

The longer cold nights replace

As if the world,

Mourning with my heart in mind,

Recedes from itself in your absence

Longing for daylight, as I long for you

Wishing for the warmth of the sun

        As I wish for the warmth of your laughing smile

Neither prayer is answered now

But in time, the long, lonely, cold nights

        Will give way to the dawn of life and laughter and warmth

And you, my love, will return

Home: Written sometime in 2006

A home is not four walls
With a roof above your head
Nor is it where you go at night
Wherever you are fed

But, it’s something else entirely

That can rarely be explained

It’s more like a feeling

Not where you are contained

Your home is in your being

Buried somewhere in your soul

Your home can be no one else’s

It’s a part that makes you whole

If you take your wildest dreams

And mix with fantasies

A drop of Sky, a dab of Land

And a sprinkle of the Sea

And dance to what your mind has made

And watch your spirit soar

Sing until your heart breaks

Then end with a deafening roar

You will journey to your peace of Home

Your soul, heart, dreams combined

For Home is not a building

But rather a state of mind

Boyfriend

I have to be completely honest here, since this is all about discoveries.

I hate the word "boyfriend". I think it is stupid. And all of this has to do with the connotation of the word, and the feeling I get when I hear or say it.

Essentially, the definition of "boyfriend" is: "a frequent or favorite male companion; beau. a male friend. a male lover." This is according to Dictionary.com, which I thoroughly enjoy! (Think of it. a dictionary right at your fingertips!!)

However, whenever I actually hear this word used, it takes me back to my teen-age years in middle and high school, where the word is generally used in this context:

"Yeah...he's my boyfriend"
"Yeah...my boyfriend and me made out" <---I know it ought to be "I" grammatically, but no one says that in the 9th grade.
"OMG! I just stole your boyfriend!"
"My boyfriend is going to come over later"

I dunno, the word, to me, sems very shallow and completely lacking of any real feeling. To me, I get the same feeling as if the girls were to say "boy-toy" instead, almost as if thier relationship was completely shallow and emotionally worthless. I know that I feel like a 12-year-old every time I say "boyfriend."

However, what else am I to call this person? "Friend" is certainly sub-standard, as is "good friend." "Best friend" does not include the same romantic implications. "Partner" makes it sound like I'm gay and "he" is really a "she". "Lover" implies an extramarital relationship with lots of physical activity. Although we are courting, "courtier" is too Renaissance, and probably also too French. "Romantic interest" implies that the feeling are not returned, and that is not the case here. "Super-Awesome-Date-Buddy" implies one of those best-buds-that-also-kiss-a-lot sort of things. "Manfriend" sounds like Mowgli from the Jungle Book.

Some of you reading this may be a little skeptical of this connotational analysis, but I will show you! Here are some normal sentences where "boyfriend" has been replaced by one of the above titles:

"My friend and I are gonna hang out later."

"Yeah, he's my good friend."

"My best friend is so sweet, he brought be flowers for no reason!"
"My Partner is gonna take me to the dance."

"Hey, can I bring my lover as my date to your wedding?"

"My parents are gonna meet my courtier this weekend."

"I love that my romantic interest is willing to help out with the dishes!"

"OMGN! My Super-Awesome-Date-Buddy just proposed!"

"My manfriend and I visited his parents this weekend."

Do you see now that none of these really work? None of these titles, in my opinion, completely and accurately express the depth of feeling I have towards my boyfriend, and this fact is extremely vexing to me! Because, you have the emotions I wish to proclaim, but also our relationship status. We are not married or engaged, but we are in a rather serious dating/courting relationship. We rely on each other for support and in turn bolster each other up. We can talk about anything: from dinosaurs, to the Gospel, to zombie survival tactics, to future plans and dreams we may have. I love him, and I know he loves me. This runs so much deeper than a teenage dating-for-butterflies; this is a real relationship that both of us have so effortlessly invested so much energy into. We both love making the other happy. The title, then, I feel must reflect this: both what we are to society, and what we mean to each other.

So, if any of you ever think of a good title that expresses what I feel as well as our current relationship, please, by all means, let me know!

TTFN,

S

Lovely

Last night, I opened myself up in a way that I never have before. I trusted someone with information that was completely personal. I discovered exactly how nervous I can get about things that I know are going to turn out just fine.

One of the things I shared was about things I have done in the past, but in a little more detail than what I posted on my "Secret Skeletons" post. It was amazing to be completely reassured by someone, to be able to trust him, to actually verbalize things to another person. This was defintely a new step for me.

The other thing I shared with this same person was that I love him. And this one was frustrating because I was more nervous to say, "I love you," in person than I was to divulge anything else. I was scared out of my mind. I was shaking. What would he say? Did he feel the same? I had a suspicion that he did, but how was I to know? So, eventually, I kinda blurted it out in a way that didn't sound in any way sincere, even though I meant it with all of my heart.

It wasn't until he was reassuring me about my skeletons, when he said he loved me, that I was able to even pronounce the little three words coherently...

Knowing he loves me changes things. Things feel more real, more stable. Its no longer this "I like you, you like me, we're giddy, so let's date!" sort of thing. Not that that isn't fun, but now there is substance there, and we trust each other, which is a big deal for me. This no longer feels like the dream that may somehow be over in a few hours; this feels real.

I didn't know until recently how difficult it is for me to trust people with my thoughts (which, I have mentioned before). I know now that I can tell him anything. Not that I doubted, per se, but I just didn't know. Faith is acting on a belief or hope, and in telling him, in trusting him, I was acting in faith on the hope he would still accept me for who I am, on the hope that he would still love me.

And he does!! :) I feel so blessed to know that I'm the one that makes him happy. Because he makes me happy, too. I feel accepted, and beautiful in a t-shirt, and that I am worthy of blessings, and that my cooking skills can, in fact, improve! He is one of the most generous people I know, and is very caring. I am comfortable around him. I feel very much at home with him, and I hate it when we have to part.

There are many other things I love about him, but I've discovered that there is a significant difference between loving things about that person and actually loving the person. Granted, these most certainly go hand-in-hand, but they feel different. It is in the same way that you can know things about a person, and then you can actually know them.

I couldn't tell you if I tried what a lot of his favorite things are. But, I can tell him what my favorite things are and know he will never think less of me for them. In my opinion, knowing someone leads to trusting them. Knowing about someone only allows you to fill out those little email-quizzes (does anyone remember those?). If you want to know about someone, you needn't look any farther than the words they say. However, if you want to know someone, you need to see how they respond to situations or questions, what they do in the lull of a conversation, how they act. In order to love someone, you have to love who they are when you are alone, as well as who they are when you are around other people, and in order to do that, you must know them, which is much more involved than knowing about them.

(This connects back to my "Pondering Connections/Relationships" post, but I will draw the lines later.)

This goes for more than just our friends, though. If we want to grow closer to our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, we must get to know them. This is much more involved than reading the ten commandments or the parables Jesus taught. Who was He talking to? What tone was He using? In knowing someone, context is just as important, than the content.

So, we can only love the things we know. If we know people, we can love them; If we know only things about people, then we can only love things about that person. But, eventually, we open up. We allow ourselves to be known. We open up and loosen the layers that cover the corners of our personalities. We move past the things we know and discover the people we thought we knew. We get to discover how wonderful they truly are as Children of God. It no longer matters if they hate mushrooms, like different music, or even if they love the same shows you do. All that matters is that you know them. There is no possible way to measure if you know someone, because you just have to feel it. And because you know them, you can begin to love them. And loving someone is amazing in every sense of the word.

Now, one of my teachers would tell me to turn that around and apply it to me. So, here goes:

So, I can only love the things I know. If I know people, I can love them; If I know only things about people, then I can only love things about that person. But, eventually, I opened up. I allowed myself to be known. I opened up and loosened the layers that covered the corners of my personality. I moved past the things I knew and discovered the person I thought I knew. I now get to discover how wonderful he truly is as Child of God. It no longer matters if he hates mushrooms, likes different music, or even if he loves the same shows I do. All that matters is that I know him. There is no possible way to measure if I know someone, because I just have to feel it. And because I know him, I have begun to love him. And loving someone is amazing in every sense of the word. <3

These are my most recent discoveries.

TTFN,

S

Subito Fortissimo!

I am a secretly loud person.

A lot of people who know me think I am very quiet, shy and reserved. And that's because I am. Around them. :)

However, I have this tendency to get REALLY excited about what seem to be very random things: music, how things work, spies, ninjas, recent connections my brain has made, and so on. And this is the point where I begin to bounce.

You can tell I'm really into what I am saying by my body language especially: my tone gets higher, I scrunch down in a sort of preparatory plie with my hands balled up into excited little fists. Then, I spring up off the ground, exclaim loudly about whatever topic has just revolutionized my world, give three more little bounces on my toes, and then tuck my hands shyly behind my back as those around me laugh. Or get annoyed. Either way.

The problem with this, of course, is that this little expressive method of mine has been only recently discovered. Upon further reflection, I have realized that it has indeed been around for a very long time. Like, since junior high. Wow.

Nowadays, around most of my friends, I am known to be very very loud, for obvious reasons. (I also break out into song on many occasions...) To people who don't know me very well, however, this little reaction can come as quite a shock, and cause them to back away a little bit. Not that I blame them, I mean, I just rocked their world, but it is unfortunate to have one less friend simply because they have no idea what I'm doing or how to respond to that.

• 
  
  Tangent one: this, I am convinced, is why I did not have many friends in elementary through high school. I had friends, but they were very few and far between. I was never the person who just had people over all the time, or was invited places, or anything like that. I stayed home. I am smiply too passionate and too excited for the general public. Especially since at this point I was also very shy. I had been picked on a lot growing up in elementary school, and this unfortunately made me wary of the opinions of those around me (which is still something I struggle with to an extent). So, I did not often go out of my way to make friends, as hard as I tried. However, once my friends chose me, we got to hanging out a lot, having sleep overs, normal junior high stuff. And once I felt comfortable around them, my loudness came out!! I was laughing loudly, singing loudly, and in general just being very, very silly. (But, everyone is very, very silly from the ages 12 to 14 at least...) Outside of these few friends, however, I had a difficult time expressing myself. By the time I got to my final year of high school, my self-confidence had grown, but it was also coupled with the knowlege that those around me had a previous knowlege of who I was, since most of them had known me in junior high and the first three years in high school. So, I was still a generally shy person, but only on the outside! Inside my shy shell, was a very loud and passionate person longing to wreak innocent havok on the world! Every so often she would gain controll, bounce with excitement about soe thing learned in music theory, and recieve the awkward looks (or deliberate look-aways) that communicated little more than slight amusement and annoyance. Once this had occured several times, however, there was less and less amusment to be had from my peers.


• 
  
  Tangent two: I think I scare people with how loud I am sometimes. I mean, what do you do when someone whom you fully anticipate to be quiet that day suddenly has a burst of excitement about life and begind bouncing?! Who does that? Well, my friends, I do. And I would greatly appreciate it if you would just laugh along with me and stop being annoyed. I am explosive. That's how I roll.
  

There is a very good quote that expresses my thoughts on this:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” --Marianne Williamson.

Its true, though. I am very loud. I am passionate. I am a leader. I have good ideas. I love learning. I love helping people. I love helping others feel included (especially since I know how it feels to be constantly excluded). I love teaching. I love the feeling of pride and pleasure in knowing that my students have done a good job, in knowing that their parents are also pleased and proud.

And this, my dears, is why I want to be a teacher. My dream is to be a high school choir director. How fantastic would that be? To be one of the most influential people in the midst of the frustration, wonder, experimentation, awkwardness, joy, and learning that is highschool. There are some things that can only be expressed through music, and I will be able to give my students the opportunity to do just htat, and hopefully do it well!

I do not want to be a teacher simply because I lack faith in my performing capabilities, contrary to popular belief. I know I would make a great performer. In fact, if I dusted off my old tap-dancing feet, I'd be triple-threat that could sing opera, too. I want to be a teacher because that is what I love, it is waht I have a passion for. I love seeing the "Aha!" moment in a student's eyes, I love watching them progress and get better, and I love showing them off! I mean, let's be honest: who doesn't want to brag about the people they're proud of?!

As a music teacher, I will have the ultimate job: I will be responsible for the liberating of others from their fears and insecurities. (I may not always succeed, but I will have the blessed opportunity to try!) I will shine as I conduct, lead the rehearsals, and encourage, and in turn, my students will shine even brighter as they perform and express the music they have prepared. I cannot wait for this day! Life is fantastic when we truly live it!

TTFN,

S

Becoming Beautiful: Written September 6, 2010

Between the lines
I compose myself

slowly, the spaces are filled
with who I am becoming

Many drafts thrown out
many parts erased, discarded

replaced by something more
kind
beautiful
worthy
strong
something more humble
more trusting

The music ebbs inside me
flowing out to others

I am written in His hands
I am beginning to see
my heart is opening

Love swells between the lines
As He composes me

slowly, the spaces are filled
with who I am becoming

many sins are thrown out
many mistakes are erased, discarded

As He replaces with something more
virtuous
lovely
empowered
Something more beautiful
Someone more beautiful



My heart is opening
love ebbs inside me
flowing out to others


His peace fills
His love strengthens


and I am becoming…

Then Will I Feel: Written March 1, 2009

(This will eventually be another choir peice.)




So much left to do
So much left to say
So much more is left to feel


So much left to wish
So much left to become
So much more is left to feel


A moment gone before
A moment lost again
A moment in a memory


Waiting...
for time...
for silence...
Wanting...
for rest...
for peace...



Then will I do
Then will I say
Then will I feel


No longer waiting,
No longer wanting.



When the moment has come,
Before it goes,



Then will I wish
Then will I become
Then, then will I feel.

I love Listening to the Rain: Written December 24, 2009

I love listening to the rain. It has a sad sort of classic beauty. Like a woman who gave up true love to follow the life she'd dreamed about and wished for--only to discover that the many things she had didn't matter. The fur coats that lined her wardrobe could never keep her warm. Her giant hearth was as cold as the granite from which it was carved; it was certainly not the centerpeice of a comforting home. Her staff and employees, as pleasent as they may be, went home. And at the end of the day, she had nothing. Nothing but shadows cast by the cool-colored lamps that lined the walls and halls. Nothing but the chilled marble floors that echoed every creak of the giant house settling in. Nothing but the empty raindrops slapping the panes of glass ruthlessly out of anger and regret. If only she had heard the emptiness in the rain those years ago. If only she had heeded its sorrow-filled cries of warning. Then, perhaps, she would have a home and not a house; perhaps she would have children rather than staff; perhaps she would have love and warmth and laughter and sunshine. But instead, all she hears are the raindrops sliding wistfully from the sky down her cheeks into a puddle of memories. And that's why I love listening to the rain.

Solitary Flower: Written September 10, 2009

(Wow. Can't beleive its been over a year since I've written this. It has since become a choral composition of mine.)


Solitary flower,
alone in the midst of the meadow
with no comfort in sight
The wind blows
But no one hears your cries

Solitary flower,
alone in the midst of the moonlight
and no comfort is near
The stars sigh
But no one sees your tears


You reach out your hand
As emptiness follows
You reach out your hand
All hope becomes hollow


Solitary flower,
alone in the midst of the meadow
with no comfort in sight
The wind blows
The stars sigh
You reach out
You ask why!

But no one...no one

no one...no one

no one will hear your cries....

Pondering Connections/Relationships

I discovered, in talking with one of my friends in the Music School, that we do not make connections. Not with other people. What we're doing when we"make" connections, is really just finding a connection already there and building a relationship off of that, whether that relationship is romantic or not doesn't matter. Then, of course, to take that further, there is the concept of how you stand with that person: are you on talking terms, etc. And this part is the variable.

So, you start out with a connection that is alraedy there and found (I'm also convinced that everyone is connected, but some are stronger than others, which I need to explore further...), spend time together and build the relationship, or how two things are situated in relation to eachother. There is the biological relationship: my mom will always be my mom because she gave birth to me. And then there is the emotional relationship: my mom is also my best friend because we tell each other everything and have built up that emotional relationship beyond that of being family members. My dad and I on the other hand, are the very sporatic kinds of friends in that we won't talk for months, have a deep and long conversation, and then go months without really talking to each other. The same goes for my brother.

Biological Relationships:
Mother
Father
Brother
Sister
Cousin
Nephew
Niece
Aunt
Uncle
Roommate (sometimes)
Grandparent
Etc...

Emotional Relationships:
Frienemy
Acquaintence
Friend
Good Friend
Best Friend
Confidante
Boyfriend
Girlfriend
Fiancee
Spouse
Etc...

Now, there are three questions: 1. what about a godparent? As far as I know, godparents are chosen either by the parents when a child is born, or by the child herself later. So, in which category doe that fall? 2. What about a child who has never known their biological parent(s)? 3. Which category does Spouse really fall under?

Here is a possible answer: the relationships that we choose to make are emotional. So, for the godparent chosen by the child, obviously, that is an emotional relationship. The relationships we don't choose are biological, even if by science they aren't. So, if an adopted child--with no memory of her biological parents--grows up with her adopted parents, but always knowing them as Mom and Dad, then she has two sets of "biological" parents: the ones who actually made up her DNA, and the ones who actually raised her. So, what about the spouse then? In my opinion, this is a special case. In this age and society, you choose your spouse, obviously, while you are courting them. That is clearly an emotional relationship that needed to grow. However, once you make that covenant to be with someone forever, they become a part of your family as the two of you are starting your own. So, in my opinion, a spouse is an emotional relationship that becomes a biological one because you choose each other as family.

So, The whole reason for the categories is because you can have two relationships with one person. For example, My sister is my sister. but, she is also a very good friend. A few years ago, though, she was more like a frienemy, or an acquaintence. But, because we took the time to build our relationship, it transcended beyond the biological and into the emotional. (This is what you have to do with spouses, too, once they become a biological relationship. You MUST keep building the emotional relationship outside of that, and continue to choose each other every day. This means setting aside time for each other.)

These are my thoughts. They aren't very organized, but I'm still discovering. :)

TTFN,
S

Secret Skeletons

I have recently discovered that I am a very private person. I mean, this blog is my sorry attempt to keep a journal. I've tried to keep track of my thoughts and feelings throughout the years, but I usually end up bottling things up. (Which is why this post is soooo late...sorry.)



However, I recently also discovered a new friend. :) Do you ever meet someone and instantly feel connected, like you know them from somewhere before? That is what happened. We enjoy a lot of the same things, and he is very deep. He's a thinker, which is one of the things I love about him. A few days ago, I playfully stole his journal, which he always has with him. And he completely caught me off guard by inviting me to read some of it. Me? Read his journal? Is the guy crazy? I mean, we'd only known each other for about two weeks at this point, and had only really started hanging out exactly a week before. Nevertheless, he was willing to share, and I was shamelessly curious.



The things I read opened up this whole new world (...I'm singing that song now...thanks...) about him that I had never even considered. I discovered that among our list of similarities are things that both of us have struggled with, skeletons in our closets. The difference, however, is that he tells people. I mean, in his jounal entry he specifically said that he'd told his best friend what he's been going through and struggling with. Dude, my mom doesn't even know. Well, maybe she does because she is a mom. But I certainly never told her anything. Isn't that awful? Shouldn't I be confiding in people?



The thing is that I don't want people to thing ill of me or less of me, which is really just pride, I know. So, I don't ever ask for help, except from the one who sees in secret and knows everything anyway, my Heavenly Father. Which, He's really the one who can help more than anyone anyways, right? Right.



So, now a part of me wants to tell this new, wiser-than-me friend of mine, but a part of me still likes the secrecy, still enjoys that no one knows my deeper faults. Its easy to see that I procrastinate, I'm disorganized, and I can be really mean to the people I care about the most. See, although I wear my heart on my sleeve and my emotions are completely an open book, its my thoughts that are hidden. And its my thoughts that are the hardest to control.



You know that part in Alma 38:12 that says: "bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love"? Well, have you ever tried to bridle your passions? Its freaking hard sometimes. Sometimes I want to just let my mind wander and take controll because it feels good. Of course, afterward, my mind is then consumed with guilt and I get this queasy feeeling in the pit of my stomach. (This is why I'm so strict about what I watch. My mind thinks in pictures--which is another story for another day--and believe me those pictures stick. Hard. And keep coming back. Over and over and over. They are impossible to erase, and difficult to forget. But oh so easy to manipulate if you have a large enough imagination, which I do. Which is both a blessing and a curse.)

The wonderful part of the Gospel, though, is that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I am allowed a second chance. Or a thousand chances over the span of years. I'm allowed to repent, to ask for help, and take every opportunity to be better. How wonderful is that? I cannot possible express in this simple little blog how important that has been to me. And when I say ask for help, I mean in everything: in help to forget the images already in my head, in resisting the urge to watch innappropriate movies, in resisting the urge to let my thoughts take control. I will probably never fully comprehend all that my Savior has done for me, and I'm not even sure I'm really grateful enough. But, I try my best, and He miraculously, mercifully, lovingly and infinitely makes up the rest, and makes me whole. I know without a doubt that this is true and that without His mercy and gospel, I would be completely lost and drifting.

TTFN,
S

Hidden Thoughts

Today, I discovered that whenever I feel alone, I have the urge to create something beautiful. I'm not quite sure what the thought process is behind this. Maybe if I create something stunning enough, I will suddenly have friends by my side? Maybe if I express myself enough, the pain of feeling alone won't be so acute.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not usually all emo and depressed. In fact, I haven't felt this way in a long time. The problem is that I'm at home for the summer from college (so I miss all of my friends, who are about 10 hours away), and my boyfriend just recently broke up with me. He had been my only connection to any sort of social life this summer, and now that link is gone. I miss him. What else am I supposed to say? Its not that I didn't expect it, because I did. I new for a few weeks that he was pulling away and that the end of our relationship was coming. Its like driving down the highway and you can see a dark storm cloud ahead of you, exactly on your path. You see it, but there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. So, you keep driving and the downpour comes and that's just what happened.

The problem is that I'm not sure wether I miss him or miss having someone there. Because, I don't really have a "best friend" anymore, either. My two best friends from high school live in Utah and Oklahoma: way to far from me. We rarely talk anymore and we never see each other. I love them and whenever we do get together its always really fun. But I don't have nayone to laugh with every day. I miss being able to have a buddy to watch action movies with, to have inside jokes with, to just hang out and be together everyday. And, I guess that's the place that Kip has filled for the past few months, and now that place is empty again. I mean, I miss kissing him, don't get me wrong, but I miss joking and having fun with him even more. We once spent an entire 45 minutes just making fart sounds on our arms and giggling, and that 's honestly one of my fondest memories of us together. He was always the sweetest to me. If I was ever in need of any encouragement, he was always there, without fail, to give it.

And I'm crying now. Awesome. A part of me wants him to find this and read it so he knows how much I miss him, but another part of me doesn't want him to know that I'm even still thinking about him, much less missing him. I guess I do miss him, then. Another discovery. Yay.

Sorry for the dull mood. I know you're probably reading this to find some sort of enjoyment in the midst of some unpleasant chore you have to do that you are obviously procrastinating (don't worry, I do it, too...).

So, I guess I'll go try to draw or go to sleep, or play bloons for a while. Just enough to forget how much I hurt right now. You know, it wouldn't be so bad if the emotional hurt didn't also translate to a physical one. Does that ever happen to you? I get it right beneath my sternum, and sometimes it feels thick there, too.

Ok, now I really am just rambling. Goodnight.

Subverting Expectations

I LOVE mixing genres. I love it when alternative rock bands (such as Yellowcard) do a cover of pop songs (Such as "Everywhere" by Nicky Cleary, I think). The asian Alex on So You Think You Can Dance did a dance in hiphop, but they snuck subtle little ballet things in there specifically because he's a ballerino (haha, I love that word..), and Ballet is "his" genre. Idk, I thought it was fantastic, and he did a great job, but the fact that the choreograpger snuck those little moments in made is priceless. That's why I love ballad arrangements of pop/r&b songs. It give a different feeling and perspective on a song we're aldread familiar with.

That is one of the things I LOVE about Glee, though, b/c they do a lot of genre-mixing and mash-ups, which is my other favorite. You know, how some songs just sound like they'd go together. I think people on the radio should do more mash-ups. They'd be a BIG hit!! At least, I'd buy them. I also thing it'd be nice to have more duets, like in the 80s. Now, I don't like many things that came from the 80s, but they had fantastic duets between people you'd NEVER expect to perform together, much less sound great together! Idk, i thing it would be fun to have Michael Buble and Lady Gaga pair up for a number. Unexpected? TOTALLY. But, they both sound great on the jazz/easy listening songs. Besides, I'd like to hear a slower side to Lady Gaga. A ballad maybe? THAT would be entertaining!!

I also love thinking about the other perspectives of well-known stories. Like Cinderella's step-sisters. I like to think that at least one was her friend, but was put in an odd/awkward position by the wicked step-mother. Or, what about the story behind the Genie in Aladdin? How did he become a genie? Has he ever been in love? What was home to him? Was he created by a sorcerer, or cursed from humanity for a crime he may not have committed. These are things to think about.

Have you ever thought about the bystanders (or the people I call "Extras") in the stories of superheroes? Picture Spider-Man. He swings from building to building, and occasionally, the comic panel will show the crowds walking below him. Or when there's a fight going on in downtown Manhattan and you see the people running away. What are there stories? What do they think about teh events they've seen? Are the at all affected? Do they change the way they act or think because they were that close to being a victim claimed by the Green Goblin's fiery jack-o-lanterns? "So, honey, how was work today?" "Oh, you know, the usual. Barely escaped certain doom, though, b/c Green Goblin's going at it again." I dunno, I just think its interesting to consider the perspectives of those who aren't the heroes. I suppose that's why I love the story of Tonks and Lupin from Harry Potter so much. They're side characters, but their individual perspectives and how they come to love each other is one of my favorite parts of the whole series. In fact, I kinda wish Rowling would do little novellettes about the background of the side characters, or maybe just snipits of thier perspectives. But, I guess that's why we have fan-fiction. Another side character I love is Albert in the TV show "The Little House on the Prairie". He gets adopted in season five or six by the Ingals, but the series ends in season 9. We never really get to experience when the rest of his life is, or what he was like before they found him. I'd also like to know how and why Han Solo became Han Solo. Why did he turn to smuggling? How did he and Chewie meet? Who did he love before Leia? I know there's a book series about this somethere, but I don't know who writes it. (So, hey, if you know, you should comment and let me know!)

Anyways, these are some of the things I think about. I mean, really to everyone reading this, I'm a side character, and they're the hero/heroine. (Haha, I love that song...), which it interesting to contemplate. I mean, we all have a supporting cast, and then there are the Extras: the cachier, the policeman, the roommate. But then, life surprises us and someone who used to be an Extra becomes a part of the supporting cast. And then the bigger surprise comes when you begin to fall in love with them and they become, to you, more central to your plot, and more important to consider when making decisions. And then you may begin to wonder how it all happened. Because hanging out and talking more seem small enough, but that's really what started it. And someone who used to be a part of the chorus in the supporting cast has risen to the title role as others who used to matter so much have faded into the background. But, in the end, you choose to let them move as they do. We choose to see others more or less than the other people we know. That choice lets us know them and allows them the opportunity to know us, which makes all the difference. We choose who we are and who we go with, or who we leave behind. We all have our reasons and our stories. Sometimes, our stories cross paths: it may be for a chapter or a page. Or, it may just change the rest of the book, and the one who changes your life just might be the Extra chorus member that you finally allowed yourself to see in the spotlight they deserve. And that makes all the difference. <3

TTFN,
S

PS: Thanks to MUHL 2303 for the title!!

Being of Beauty

In making this blog, I noticed a little box down at the bottom that says, "About Me". Well, I thought, that's funny. If someone really wanted to know about me, they'd just read my blog! So, I left it blank.

The other thought I had was that of trying to think of something to put in there. In reality, though, I'm kinda of complicated. In fact, I'm really complicated. Too complicated for a little box down at the bottom of a web page. I mean, really, if people were meant to fit into a box, we'd be ants, or HTML coding, or over-processed microwave dinners. We'd be something uncomplicated, easy, straightforward, and bland. (That last word goes with the analogy of the microwave dinners. I mean, honestly, they're gross!) But we're not bland! Isn't that great?! But don't tell the cannibals that. Or the zombies. Ew.

Anyways, back to my original train of thought: what I'd originally intended to put into my "about me" section. Originally, I had thought to type "I love beautiful things." Its a pretty broad statement and it kind of sums me up more or less. I do love beautiful things.

I love butterflies: they're seemingly simple, but once you look at their wings close up, you see the intricate veins and patterns and tiny little joints. They're beautiful.

I also love music: broadway, jazz, Romantic (the style of the artistic era in the 1800s), opera, soundtracks, folk, choral, pop, r&b, rock, techno, percussive (dude, drum cadences? Awesome!)...pretty much you name it and I can find at least one song in the genre, time period, or place that I like. Which is probably why I'm getting a degree in music. (What? poeple actually do what they love and not just get a degree for the money?! No way!!)

I also love the color blue: I just think its a fantastic color! You can have any shade of blue ever and pair it up with any other shade of blue ever and they're instantly color-buddies! They go great together!! Can you do that with other colors? Well, greens and purples a little more, but not nearly as much. But hello, Red? No way! Red's always clashing with itself all over the place! Besides, Blue has so many different moods: calm, peppy, cheerful, sad, mellow, content, happy, wistful, caring, and even loving. Perhaps not that fiery passion that's always assiciated with red (and roses and the tango), but its the love that's loyal when you didn't do as well as you'd hoped, when you just need someone to hold you together at the end of a hard day, when you just need someone to play musical arm farts with you. Its the love that's deeper and truer and Red, in my opinion, and its the one that lasts.

But really, who doesn't love beautiful things? We were created by a God who loves beautiful things, and we were created to be like Him. We are Beings of Beauty. (Hehe, hence the title! Aren't I a smart one?) But, I mean, really. Think about it. I have a friend who's kind of obsessed with bows and decorations. Name a holiday and she's got the plates, bowls, serving utinsils, doilies, wreaths, scrapbookpaper and a closet of other stuff to go with it! Because that's what she finds beautiful. My little sister looks FABULOUS in ruffles! In her hair, on her dress, on her shoes, anywhere! Me? I'm niether a great decorator, nor a great ruffle-wearer. I like my things streamlined. I don't want the ring with a giant rock surrounded with teeny-tiny diamonds. Ugh. Not for me. I want a band with one solitaire (radiant cut, though...I like the sparkles...) and kinda smallish so I don't dwarf my small hands. I love plaid, argyle, pinstripes, and solid colors. But that's what I find beautiful. And, in all honesty, its quite different from most people's view of beauty.

So, I didn't really think about that until I was asked to share a small box of myself. I DISCOVERED that I love beautiful things, and in writing this, that everyone has their own beauty.

Another Discovery awaits tomorrow! I really hope its not that the world really is flat. That would suck.

TTFN,
S