Today, I discovered that whenever I feel alone, I have the urge to create something beautiful. I'm not quite sure what the thought process is behind this. Maybe if I create something stunning enough, I will suddenly have friends by my side? Maybe if I express myself enough, the pain of feeling alone won't be so acute.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not usually all emo and depressed. In fact, I haven't felt this way in a long time. The problem is that I'm at home for the summer from college (so I miss all of my friends, who are about 10 hours away), and my boyfriend just recently broke up with me. He had been my only connection to any sort of social life this summer, and now that link is gone. I miss him. What else am I supposed to say? Its not that I didn't expect it, because I did. I new for a few weeks that he was pulling away and that the end of our relationship was coming. Its like driving down the highway and you can see a dark storm cloud ahead of you, exactly on your path. You see it, but there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. So, you keep driving and the downpour comes and that's just what happened.
The problem is that I'm not sure wether I miss him or miss having someone there. Because, I don't really have a "best friend" anymore, either. My two best friends from high school live in Utah and Oklahoma: way to far from me. We rarely talk anymore and we never see each other. I love them and whenever we do get together its always really fun. But I don't have nayone to laugh with every day. I miss being able to have a buddy to watch action movies with, to have inside jokes with, to just hang out and be together everyday. And, I guess that's the place that Kip has filled for the past few months, and now that place is empty again. I mean, I miss kissing him, don't get me wrong, but I miss joking and having fun with him even more. We once spent an entire 45 minutes just making fart sounds on our arms and giggling, and that 's honestly one of my fondest memories of us together. He was always the sweetest to me. If I was ever in need of any encouragement, he was always there, without fail, to give it.
And I'm crying now. Awesome. A part of me wants him to find this and read it so he knows how much I miss him, but another part of me doesn't want him to know that I'm even still thinking about him, much less missing him. I guess I do miss him, then. Another discovery. Yay.
Sorry for the dull mood. I know you're probably reading this to find some sort of enjoyment in the midst of some unpleasant chore you have to do that you are obviously procrastinating (don't worry, I do it, too...).
So, I guess I'll go try to draw or go to sleep, or play bloons for a while. Just enough to forget how much I hurt right now. You know, it wouldn't be so bad if the emotional hurt didn't also translate to a physical one. Does that ever happen to you? I get it right beneath my sternum, and sometimes it feels thick there, too.
Ok, now I really am just rambling. Goodnight.
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