I have recently discovered that I am a very private person. I mean, this blog is my sorry attempt to keep a journal. I've tried to keep track of my thoughts and feelings throughout the years, but I usually end up bottling things up. (Which is why this post is soooo late...sorry.)
However, I recently also discovered a new friend. :) Do you ever meet someone and instantly feel connected, like you know them from somewhere before? That is what happened. We enjoy a lot of the same things, and he is very deep. He's a thinker, which is one of the things I love about him. A few days ago, I playfully stole his journal, which he always has with him. And he completely caught me off guard by inviting me to read some of it. Me? Read his journal? Is the guy crazy? I mean, we'd only known each other for about two weeks at this point, and had only really started hanging out exactly a week before. Nevertheless, he was willing to share, and I was shamelessly curious.
The things I read opened up this whole new world (...I'm singing that song now...thanks...) about him that I had never even considered. I discovered that among our list of similarities are things that both of us have struggled with, skeletons in our closets. The difference, however, is that he tells people. I mean, in his jounal entry he specifically said that he'd told his best friend what he's been going through and struggling with. Dude, my mom doesn't even know. Well, maybe she does because she is a mom. But I certainly never told her anything. Isn't that awful? Shouldn't I be confiding in people?
The thing is that I don't want people to thing ill of me or less of me, which is really just pride, I know. So, I don't ever ask for help, except from the one who sees in secret and knows everything anyway, my Heavenly Father. Which, He's really the one who can help more than anyone anyways, right? Right.
So, now a part of me wants to tell this new, wiser-than-me friend of mine, but a part of me still likes the secrecy, still enjoys that no one knows my deeper faults. Its easy to see that I procrastinate, I'm disorganized, and I can be really mean to the people I care about the most. See, although I wear my heart on my sleeve and my emotions are completely an open book, its my thoughts that are hidden. And its my thoughts that are the hardest to control.
You know that part in Alma 38:12 that says: "bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love"? Well, have you ever tried to bridle your passions? Its freaking hard sometimes. Sometimes I want to just let my mind wander and take controll because it feels good. Of course, afterward, my mind is then consumed with guilt and I get this queasy feeeling in the pit of my stomach. (This is why I'm so strict about what I watch. My mind thinks in pictures--which is another story for another day--and believe me those pictures stick. Hard. And keep coming back. Over and over and over. They are impossible to erase, and difficult to forget. But oh so easy to manipulate if you have a large enough imagination, which I do. Which is both a blessing and a curse.)
The wonderful part of the Gospel, though, is that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I am allowed a second chance. Or a thousand chances over the span of years. I'm allowed to repent, to ask for help, and take every opportunity to be better. How wonderful is that? I cannot possible express in this simple little blog how important that has been to me. And when I say ask for help, I mean in everything: in help to forget the images already in my head, in resisting the urge to watch innappropriate movies, in resisting the urge to let my thoughts take control. I will probably never fully comprehend all that my Savior has done for me, and I'm not even sure I'm really grateful enough. But, I try my best, and He miraculously, mercifully, lovingly and infinitely makes up the rest, and makes me whole. I know without a doubt that this is true and that without His mercy and gospel, I would be completely lost and drifting.
TTFN,
S
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