Between the lines
I compose myself
slowly, the spaces are filled
with who I am becoming
Many drafts thrown out
many parts erased, discarded
replaced by something more
kind
beautiful
worthy
strong
something more humble
more trusting
The music ebbs inside me
flowing out to others
I am written in His hands
I am beginning to see
my heart is opening
Love swells between the lines
As He composes me
slowly, the spaces are filled
with who I am becoming
many sins are thrown out
many mistakes are erased, discarded
As He replaces with something more
virtuous
lovely
empowered
Something more beautiful
Someone more beautiful
My heart is opening
love ebbs inside me
flowing out to others
His peace fills
His love strengthens
and I am becoming…
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Then Will I Feel: Written March 1, 2009
(This will eventually be another choir peice.)
So much left to do
So much left to say
So much more is left to feel
So much left to wish
So much left to become
So much more is left to feel
A moment gone before
A moment lost again
A moment in a memory
Waiting...
for time...
for silence...
Wanting...
for rest...
for peace...
Then will I do
Then will I say
Then will I feel
No longer waiting,
No longer wanting.
When the moment has come,
Before it goes,
Then will I wish
Then will I become
Then, then will I feel.
So much left to do
So much left to say
So much more is left to feel
So much left to wish
So much left to become
So much more is left to feel
A moment gone before
A moment lost again
A moment in a memory
Waiting...
for time...
for silence...
Wanting...
for rest...
for peace...
Then will I do
Then will I say
Then will I feel
No longer waiting,
No longer wanting.
When the moment has come,
Before it goes,
Then will I wish
Then will I become
Then, then will I feel.
I love Listening to the Rain: Written December 24, 2009
I love listening to the rain. It has a sad sort of classic beauty. Like a woman who gave up true love to follow the life she'd dreamed about and wished for--only to discover that the many things she had didn't matter. The fur coats that lined her wardrobe could never keep her warm. Her giant hearth was as cold as the granite from which it was carved; it was certainly not the centerpeice of a comforting home. Her staff and employees, as pleasent as they may be, went home. And at the end of the day, she had nothing. Nothing but shadows cast by the cool-colored lamps that lined the walls and halls. Nothing but the chilled marble floors that echoed every creak of the giant house settling in. Nothing but the empty raindrops slapping the panes of glass ruthlessly out of anger and regret. If only she had heard the emptiness in the rain those years ago. If only she had heeded its sorrow-filled cries of warning. Then, perhaps, she would have a home and not a house; perhaps she would have children rather than staff; perhaps she would have love and warmth and laughter and sunshine. But instead, all she hears are the raindrops sliding wistfully from the sky down her cheeks into a puddle of memories. And that's why I love listening to the rain.
Solitary Flower: Written September 10, 2009
(Wow. Can't beleive its been over a year since I've written this. It has since become a choral composition of mine.)
Solitary flower,
alone in the midst of the meadow
with no comfort in sight
The wind blows
But no one hears your cries
Solitary flower,
alone in the midst of the moonlight
and no comfort is near
The stars sigh
But no one sees your tears
You reach out your hand
As emptiness follows
You reach out your hand
All hope becomes hollow
Solitary flower,
alone in the midst of the meadow
with no comfort in sight
The wind blows
The stars sigh
You reach out
You ask why!
But no one...no one
no one...no one
no one will hear your cries....
Solitary flower,
alone in the midst of the meadow
with no comfort in sight
The wind blows
But no one hears your cries
Solitary flower,
alone in the midst of the moonlight
and no comfort is near
The stars sigh
But no one sees your tears
You reach out your hand
As emptiness follows
You reach out your hand
All hope becomes hollow
Solitary flower,
alone in the midst of the meadow
with no comfort in sight
The wind blows
The stars sigh
You reach out
You ask why!
But no one...no one
no one...no one
no one will hear your cries....
Pondering Connections/Relationships
I discovered, in talking with one of my friends in the Music School, that we do not make connections. Not with other people. What we're doing when we"make" connections, is really just finding a connection already there and building a relationship off of that, whether that relationship is romantic or not doesn't matter. Then, of course, to take that further, there is the concept of how you stand with that person: are you on talking terms, etc. And this part is the variable.
So, you start out with a connection that is alraedy there and found (I'm also convinced that everyone is connected, but some are stronger than others, which I need to explore further...), spend time together and build the relationship, or how two things are situated in relation to eachother. There is the biological relationship: my mom will always be my mom because she gave birth to me. And then there is the emotional relationship: my mom is also my best friend because we tell each other everything and have built up that emotional relationship beyond that of being family members. My dad and I on the other hand, are the very sporatic kinds of friends in that we won't talk for months, have a deep and long conversation, and then go months without really talking to each other. The same goes for my brother.
Biological Relationships:
Mother
Father
Brother
Sister
Cousin
Nephew
Niece
Aunt
Uncle
Roommate (sometimes)
Grandparent
Etc...
Emotional Relationships:
Frienemy
Acquaintence
Friend
Good Friend
Best Friend
Confidante
Boyfriend
Girlfriend
Fiancee
Spouse
Etc...
Now, there are three questions: 1. what about a godparent? As far as I know, godparents are chosen either by the parents when a child is born, or by the child herself later. So, in which category doe that fall? 2. What about a child who has never known their biological parent(s)? 3. Which category does Spouse really fall under?
Here is a possible answer: the relationships that we choose to make are emotional. So, for the godparent chosen by the child, obviously, that is an emotional relationship. The relationships we don't choose are biological, even if by science they aren't. So, if an adopted child--with no memory of her biological parents--grows up with her adopted parents, but always knowing them as Mom and Dad, then she has two sets of "biological" parents: the ones who actually made up her DNA, and the ones who actually raised her. So, what about the spouse then? In my opinion, this is a special case. In this age and society, you choose your spouse, obviously, while you are courting them. That is clearly an emotional relationship that needed to grow. However, once you make that covenant to be with someone forever, they become a part of your family as the two of you are starting your own. So, in my opinion, a spouse is an emotional relationship that becomes a biological one because you choose each other as family.
So, The whole reason for the categories is because you can have two relationships with one person. For example, My sister is my sister. but, she is also a very good friend. A few years ago, though, she was more like a frienemy, or an acquaintence. But, because we took the time to build our relationship, it transcended beyond the biological and into the emotional. (This is what you have to do with spouses, too, once they become a biological relationship. You MUST keep building the emotional relationship outside of that, and continue to choose each other every day. This means setting aside time for each other.)
These are my thoughts. They aren't very organized, but I'm still discovering. :)
TTFN,
S
So, you start out with a connection that is alraedy there and found (I'm also convinced that everyone is connected, but some are stronger than others, which I need to explore further...), spend time together and build the relationship, or how two things are situated in relation to eachother. There is the biological relationship: my mom will always be my mom because she gave birth to me. And then there is the emotional relationship: my mom is also my best friend because we tell each other everything and have built up that emotional relationship beyond that of being family members. My dad and I on the other hand, are the very sporatic kinds of friends in that we won't talk for months, have a deep and long conversation, and then go months without really talking to each other. The same goes for my brother.
Biological Relationships:
Mother
Father
Brother
Sister
Cousin
Nephew
Niece
Aunt
Uncle
Roommate (sometimes)
Grandparent
Etc...
Emotional Relationships:
Frienemy
Acquaintence
Friend
Good Friend
Best Friend
Confidante
Boyfriend
Girlfriend
Fiancee
Spouse
Etc...
Now, there are three questions: 1. what about a godparent? As far as I know, godparents are chosen either by the parents when a child is born, or by the child herself later. So, in which category doe that fall? 2. What about a child who has never known their biological parent(s)? 3. Which category does Spouse really fall under?
Here is a possible answer: the relationships that we choose to make are emotional. So, for the godparent chosen by the child, obviously, that is an emotional relationship. The relationships we don't choose are biological, even if by science they aren't. So, if an adopted child--with no memory of her biological parents--grows up with her adopted parents, but always knowing them as Mom and Dad, then she has two sets of "biological" parents: the ones who actually made up her DNA, and the ones who actually raised her. So, what about the spouse then? In my opinion, this is a special case. In this age and society, you choose your spouse, obviously, while you are courting them. That is clearly an emotional relationship that needed to grow. However, once you make that covenant to be with someone forever, they become a part of your family as the two of you are starting your own. So, in my opinion, a spouse is an emotional relationship that becomes a biological one because you choose each other as family.
So, The whole reason for the categories is because you can have two relationships with one person. For example, My sister is my sister. but, she is also a very good friend. A few years ago, though, she was more like a frienemy, or an acquaintence. But, because we took the time to build our relationship, it transcended beyond the biological and into the emotional. (This is what you have to do with spouses, too, once they become a biological relationship. You MUST keep building the emotional relationship outside of that, and continue to choose each other every day. This means setting aside time for each other.)
These are my thoughts. They aren't very organized, but I'm still discovering. :)
TTFN,
S
Secret Skeletons
I have recently discovered that I am a very private person. I mean, this blog is my sorry attempt to keep a journal. I've tried to keep track of my thoughts and feelings throughout the years, but I usually end up bottling things up. (Which is why this post is soooo late...sorry.)
However, I recently also discovered a new friend. :) Do you ever meet someone and instantly feel connected, like you know them from somewhere before? That is what happened. We enjoy a lot of the same things, and he is very deep. He's a thinker, which is one of the things I love about him. A few days ago, I playfully stole his journal, which he always has with him. And he completely caught me off guard by inviting me to read some of it. Me? Read his journal? Is the guy crazy? I mean, we'd only known each other for about two weeks at this point, and had only really started hanging out exactly a week before. Nevertheless, he was willing to share, and I was shamelessly curious.
The things I read opened up this whole new world (...I'm singing that song now...thanks...) about him that I had never even considered. I discovered that among our list of similarities are things that both of us have struggled with, skeletons in our closets. The difference, however, is that he tells people. I mean, in his jounal entry he specifically said that he'd told his best friend what he's been going through and struggling with. Dude, my mom doesn't even know. Well, maybe she does because she is a mom. But I certainly never told her anything. Isn't that awful? Shouldn't I be confiding in people?
The thing is that I don't want people to thing ill of me or less of me, which is really just pride, I know. So, I don't ever ask for help, except from the one who sees in secret and knows everything anyway, my Heavenly Father. Which, He's really the one who can help more than anyone anyways, right? Right.
So, now a part of me wants to tell this new, wiser-than-me friend of mine, but a part of me still likes the secrecy, still enjoys that no one knows my deeper faults. Its easy to see that I procrastinate, I'm disorganized, and I can be really mean to the people I care about the most. See, although I wear my heart on my sleeve and my emotions are completely an open book, its my thoughts that are hidden. And its my thoughts that are the hardest to control.
You know that part in Alma 38:12 that says: "bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love"? Well, have you ever tried to bridle your passions? Its freaking hard sometimes. Sometimes I want to just let my mind wander and take controll because it feels good. Of course, afterward, my mind is then consumed with guilt and I get this queasy feeeling in the pit of my stomach. (This is why I'm so strict about what I watch. My mind thinks in pictures--which is another story for another day--and believe me those pictures stick. Hard. And keep coming back. Over and over and over. They are impossible to erase, and difficult to forget. But oh so easy to manipulate if you have a large enough imagination, which I do. Which is both a blessing and a curse.)
The wonderful part of the Gospel, though, is that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I am allowed a second chance. Or a thousand chances over the span of years. I'm allowed to repent, to ask for help, and take every opportunity to be better. How wonderful is that? I cannot possible express in this simple little blog how important that has been to me. And when I say ask for help, I mean in everything: in help to forget the images already in my head, in resisting the urge to watch innappropriate movies, in resisting the urge to let my thoughts take control. I will probably never fully comprehend all that my Savior has done for me, and I'm not even sure I'm really grateful enough. But, I try my best, and He miraculously, mercifully, lovingly and infinitely makes up the rest, and makes me whole. I know without a doubt that this is true and that without His mercy and gospel, I would be completely lost and drifting.
TTFN,
S
However, I recently also discovered a new friend. :) Do you ever meet someone and instantly feel connected, like you know them from somewhere before? That is what happened. We enjoy a lot of the same things, and he is very deep. He's a thinker, which is one of the things I love about him. A few days ago, I playfully stole his journal, which he always has with him. And he completely caught me off guard by inviting me to read some of it. Me? Read his journal? Is the guy crazy? I mean, we'd only known each other for about two weeks at this point, and had only really started hanging out exactly a week before. Nevertheless, he was willing to share, and I was shamelessly curious.
The things I read opened up this whole new world (...I'm singing that song now...thanks...) about him that I had never even considered. I discovered that among our list of similarities are things that both of us have struggled with, skeletons in our closets. The difference, however, is that he tells people. I mean, in his jounal entry he specifically said that he'd told his best friend what he's been going through and struggling with. Dude, my mom doesn't even know. Well, maybe she does because she is a mom. But I certainly never told her anything. Isn't that awful? Shouldn't I be confiding in people?
The thing is that I don't want people to thing ill of me or less of me, which is really just pride, I know. So, I don't ever ask for help, except from the one who sees in secret and knows everything anyway, my Heavenly Father. Which, He's really the one who can help more than anyone anyways, right? Right.
So, now a part of me wants to tell this new, wiser-than-me friend of mine, but a part of me still likes the secrecy, still enjoys that no one knows my deeper faults. Its easy to see that I procrastinate, I'm disorganized, and I can be really mean to the people I care about the most. See, although I wear my heart on my sleeve and my emotions are completely an open book, its my thoughts that are hidden. And its my thoughts that are the hardest to control.
You know that part in Alma 38:12 that says: "bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love"? Well, have you ever tried to bridle your passions? Its freaking hard sometimes. Sometimes I want to just let my mind wander and take controll because it feels good. Of course, afterward, my mind is then consumed with guilt and I get this queasy feeeling in the pit of my stomach. (This is why I'm so strict about what I watch. My mind thinks in pictures--which is another story for another day--and believe me those pictures stick. Hard. And keep coming back. Over and over and over. They are impossible to erase, and difficult to forget. But oh so easy to manipulate if you have a large enough imagination, which I do. Which is both a blessing and a curse.)
The wonderful part of the Gospel, though, is that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I am allowed a second chance. Or a thousand chances over the span of years. I'm allowed to repent, to ask for help, and take every opportunity to be better. How wonderful is that? I cannot possible express in this simple little blog how important that has been to me. And when I say ask for help, I mean in everything: in help to forget the images already in my head, in resisting the urge to watch innappropriate movies, in resisting the urge to let my thoughts take control. I will probably never fully comprehend all that my Savior has done for me, and I'm not even sure I'm really grateful enough. But, I try my best, and He miraculously, mercifully, lovingly and infinitely makes up the rest, and makes me whole. I know without a doubt that this is true and that without His mercy and gospel, I would be completely lost and drifting.
TTFN,
S
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