Subito Fortissimo!

I am a secretly loud person.

A lot of people who know me think I am very quiet, shy and reserved. And that's because I am. Around them. :)

However, I have this tendency to get REALLY excited about what seem to be very random things: music, how things work, spies, ninjas, recent connections my brain has made, and so on. And this is the point where I begin to bounce.

You can tell I'm really into what I am saying by my body language especially: my tone gets higher, I scrunch down in a sort of preparatory plie with my hands balled up into excited little fists. Then, I spring up off the ground, exclaim loudly about whatever topic has just revolutionized my world, give three more little bounces on my toes, and then tuck my hands shyly behind my back as those around me laugh. Or get annoyed. Either way.

The problem with this, of course, is that this little expressive method of mine has been only recently discovered. Upon further reflection, I have realized that it has indeed been around for a very long time. Like, since junior high. Wow.

Nowadays, around most of my friends, I am known to be very very loud, for obvious reasons. (I also break out into song on many occasions...) To people who don't know me very well, however, this little reaction can come as quite a shock, and cause them to back away a little bit. Not that I blame them, I mean, I just rocked their world, but it is unfortunate to have one less friend simply because they have no idea what I'm doing or how to respond to that.

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  Tangent one: this, I am convinced, is why I did not have many friends in elementary through high school. I had friends, but they were very few and far between. I was never the person who just had people over all the time, or was invited places, or anything like that. I stayed home. I am smiply too passionate and too excited for the general public. Especially since at this point I was also very shy. I had been picked on a lot growing up in elementary school, and this unfortunately made me wary of the opinions of those around me (which is still something I struggle with to an extent). So, I did not often go out of my way to make friends, as hard as I tried. However, once my friends chose me, we got to hanging out a lot, having sleep overs, normal junior high stuff. And once I felt comfortable around them, my loudness came out!! I was laughing loudly, singing loudly, and in general just being very, very silly. (But, everyone is very, very silly from the ages 12 to 14 at least...) Outside of these few friends, however, I had a difficult time expressing myself. By the time I got to my final year of high school, my self-confidence had grown, but it was also coupled with the knowlege that those around me had a previous knowlege of who I was, since most of them had known me in junior high and the first three years in high school. So, I was still a generally shy person, but only on the outside! Inside my shy shell, was a very loud and passionate person longing to wreak innocent havok on the world! Every so often she would gain controll, bounce with excitement about soe thing learned in music theory, and recieve the awkward looks (or deliberate look-aways) that communicated little more than slight amusement and annoyance. Once this had occured several times, however, there was less and less amusment to be had from my peers.


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  Tangent two: I think I scare people with how loud I am sometimes. I mean, what do you do when someone whom you fully anticipate to be quiet that day suddenly has a burst of excitement about life and begind bouncing?! Who does that? Well, my friends, I do. And I would greatly appreciate it if you would just laugh along with me and stop being annoyed. I am explosive. That's how I roll.
  

There is a very good quote that expresses my thoughts on this:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” --Marianne Williamson.

Its true, though. I am very loud. I am passionate. I am a leader. I have good ideas. I love learning. I love helping people. I love helping others feel included (especially since I know how it feels to be constantly excluded). I love teaching. I love the feeling of pride and pleasure in knowing that my students have done a good job, in knowing that their parents are also pleased and proud.

And this, my dears, is why I want to be a teacher. My dream is to be a high school choir director. How fantastic would that be? To be one of the most influential people in the midst of the frustration, wonder, experimentation, awkwardness, joy, and learning that is highschool. There are some things that can only be expressed through music, and I will be able to give my students the opportunity to do just htat, and hopefully do it well!

I do not want to be a teacher simply because I lack faith in my performing capabilities, contrary to popular belief. I know I would make a great performer. In fact, if I dusted off my old tap-dancing feet, I'd be triple-threat that could sing opera, too. I want to be a teacher because that is what I love, it is waht I have a passion for. I love seeing the "Aha!" moment in a student's eyes, I love watching them progress and get better, and I love showing them off! I mean, let's be honest: who doesn't want to brag about the people they're proud of?!

As a music teacher, I will have the ultimate job: I will be responsible for the liberating of others from their fears and insecurities. (I may not always succeed, but I will have the blessed opportunity to try!) I will shine as I conduct, lead the rehearsals, and encourage, and in turn, my students will shine even brighter as they perform and express the music they have prepared. I cannot wait for this day! Life is fantastic when we truly live it!

TTFN,

S